Fd Up

This is personal. Do not read or comment. 

Someday when I read this, I know I will be surprised, but then I also know how helpless I was ...

Its been a bad start, this month. I so very feel fucked up, so very.. I never want to go for a trip again with family, never ever. More than the physical exhaustion, all my brain cells are collapsing. I wish I could do something. I feel like eloping. To prevent that, I have no option but to vent out somewhere. I am darn frustrated. The only school friend I had been in contact with, I broke up. Couldn't offer any consoling words to her problematic married life when I am myself not in my senses. And no, I ain't begging or in need of consoling words. I hate anyone who pity me. The least I expected was I would find some loving words from some persons of my life, in this blog. And ( Thanks Riya, dilse )no body wrote, and yes, I am very very angry despite .. forget it. I screwed up an interview. My head is still in dizzy for so longg and continuous travel. There was something personal I blurted out to a friend. since then its been okay, but again talking to that person makes me more angry as despite being friendly-stranger, and repeated requested of writing here, he didn't. But its not coz of that. I mean I am just frustrated , with everyone around me, including myself. I wish I could do something. I am sure 'some' people revolving around my life will be surprised when they read this, yet I don't care. I have stopped having any feeling. I am least bothered and to an extent have become heartless. I was having hope of joining somewhere but some news came in, and before I could rejoice, I have gone into further depression. Okay, I am not into depression, just that I am lot lot frustrated. 

Anyway. Its of no use now. Whatever I have become, all my emotions and carelessness towards family, and 'some' best buddies, I am not to be blamed. My career, love, education, friendship, relationship is now on jolts. There is one reason I am living for, which thank goodness no one is aware of, except He. And I have to move on. Yet I can't stand. Some people advice me to ignore . And that makes me wonder how can anyone standing near a gutter can ignore the smell? You can't help it, but the stink stinks. And no, my life or emotions ain't a gutter, nor I would let them stand them near such rot places.Something is gonna happen soon. If its good for me, it would be lot bad for world around me, and if its bad for me, the surrounding persons are going to be happy And I am waiting, for good or bad I don't know. 

Blogging now would seem a distant dream once things change, which are changing over night. If I wake up everyday alive, maybe its coz somebody is praying. And I don't know when they are gonna be disappointed( Nah, I would never commit suicide, never)Yet nobody knows how long I am gonna be alive. And I pray it never be long, never. 

And to all those who know me, this is to you: Don't try to talk about it, or judge me by my words above. You haven't seen lot many shades of me. And the day I die, you would regret and cry a lot, but i wouldn't be there. And at that time, I will smile from above or below( if i go to hell)I don't know if hell is worse than this, but to a girl, the world is hell. and even good people sometimes are demon.